


what is left (when the fire is gone)

by songofwinterfell



Series: lights to the sky [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-10
Updated: 2013-11-10
Packaged: 2018-01-01 02:23:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1039237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/songofwinterfell/pseuds/songofwinterfell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thor mourns.</p><p>(Spoilers for Thor: The Dark World)</p>
            </blockquote>





	what is left (when the fire is gone)

**Author's Note:**

> After I saw the film I spent a lot of time thinking that what if Loki had really died. He didn't, of course, but I had to write my own version of what could perhaps have happened. This gets really sappy, and Thor is a mess, but hey, this is nothing more than fanfiction so I thought that why shouldn't I just go with it. I'd also like to warn you about possible mistakes, because I'm not a native speaker.
> 
> Marvel owns the characters, and the title is from Waiting For The End by Linkin Park.
> 
> Also in songofwinterfell.tumblr.com

When the battle with Malekith ends and the realms are once again saved, Thor doesn’t stay in Midgard. Jane doesn’t say anything when he announces that he has to leave, but the pursing of her lips and the way she casts her eyes to the ground are clear signs that she wants him to stay. Thor wants to stay, too, but he knows he can’t. He holds her hands and kisses her, telling her that he will return.

He goes straight to Svartalfheim to search for his brother's body. His heart gets heavier and heavier as he approaches the spot where they fought Algrim and his brother died. It hurts so much to think about it, how Loki saved him from certain death only to die instead. Thor is no stranger to death, it is a close companion to battle, one he has known since he became a man, but it still fills him with unimaginable grief. So consuming and haunting that he knows he will never be the same again, not after he has lost so much. First his mother, then his brother.

Loki’s body is where they left him, lying still on the ground. Thor has to stop himself from running to his brother’s side for he knows that there is nothing he can do anymore. The closer he gets, the harder it is to breathe, his throat feeling like something is choking him. He kneels slowly to Loki’s side, dropping Mjölnir to the ground where it lands with a thud.

Loki’s eyes are closed and his skin is so pale. There is a big pool of blood under him, and Thor has to turn away because he can’t stand to look at it. He turns his gaze to his brother, but it's not easier, the sight of him feels like something is tearing him to pieces. Loki looks almost peaceful, the hard lines of his face soft now, devoid of any mask. He looks younger than he has looked in years, reminding Thor of the days before his banishment. The days when they were truly brothers.

Thor takes off his cape and covers his brother with it, smiling bitterly as he remembers Loki’s distaste for red. He touches Loki’s cheek gently with his hand, almost as if he’s afraid of breaking him, and traces his fingers along his brother’s jaw. He looks like he could be sleeping, but his skin is so cold to touch, and Thor swallows hard and closes his eyes. He has mourned Loki once before, but this time it is true, there is no hope of getting him back again.

Where did they go so wrong? When did they turn from brothers to enemies? Thor doesn’t have the answer to that, and he never probably will. He only realised after Loki’s fall that he never knew him so well as he thought he did. He didn’t see the changes in his brother, how jealous he truly was, how broken. Those days he cared only about himself and his pride, never looking twice at his brother. Had he been less blind, he would have seen the cracks before it was too late. He would have stopped Loki from falling.

He thinks of what they could have been if things had gone differently. He remembers how Loki was before he was swallowed by the darkness, before he was lost. Full of mischief and tricks, silvertongued and oh so clever, almost too clever for his own good. He was happy then, Thor recalls, even though he cannot know for sure. But he thinks so, remembering Loki smiling and laughing, bright and honest. He misses him.

Finally, Thor lets the tears come. Thunder rumbles above him as he cries for his brother, wanting to shake him and beg him to come back, say that he can’t leave him, not now. Not when there was a flicker of hope of them being brothers again, even after all the pain and betrayals.

The Norns were cruel to take his brother from him so suddenly. Thor would do anything to get him back, he knows he would even die if it meant that Loki could return. But it isn’t possible, he has lost Loki again and this time for good.

It starts to rain. Thor wants to scream and shout, and so he does. He is all alone, there is no one to see him mourn, no one to see him break. He cradles Loki in his arms and cries to the sky.

When the rain stops, Thor wraps his arms around Loki’s body and lifts him up. He is light, lighter than Thor has thought, almost nothing more than skin and bones. Thor ignores how his hands become stained with blood as he carries his brother like he used to do when they were children, swallowing his tears and grief, trying to be strong. He presses Loki’s head to his chest and calls for Heimdall.

The Bifrost opens and takes him to the observatory. Heimdall says nothing when the lights fade and Thor is revealed, Loki in his arms. He only lowers his head slightly and watches as Thor leaves without a word.

He walks slowly on the bridge, his steps heavy. Asgard shines in the sunlight, a golden realm, but he can see the collapsed buildings and he remembers the fire and the bodies. He thinks of his mother and the funeral, of all the souls they sent to Valhalla.

His friends are running towards him as he steps off the bridge, their faces relieved when they see him unharmed and victorious. But then they notice Loki in his arms, Thor’s cape wrapped around him, making him look smaller than he is. They stop, and Sif raises her hand to her mouth. Fandral and Volstagg avert their eyes.

”Thor…” Sif says quietly and walks slowly to his side. He doesn’t even look at her, unable to meet her eyes. She touches his arm gently, trying to offer him some comfort, but he barely feels it.

She turns her eyes to Loki, and even though the days when he was her friend are long gone, she raises her hand as if to touch him. Her hand hovers above him for a moment, hesitating, but then she lowers it down.

”My brother is dead”, Thor tells them, saying it aloud for the first time. How he wishes that he didn’t have to say that, but he can’t ignore the truth, it hurts too much. He holds Loki tighter.

Volstagg and Fandral come closer, their faces solemn. Thor thinks of the past when they all, even Loki, used to go on adventures together, slaying monsters and reclaiming lost treasures. They were a bunch of fools, and Loki had to save their lives many times from their idiocy. They were close friends then, and Thor doesn’t know when it all changed.

”I’m sorry”, Sif says, her face soft and her voice honest. She doesn’t say anything else, doesn’t ask how it happened, and for that Thor is grateful. He doesn’t think he could tell them, not yet.

Thor nods, blinking away the tears that threaten to escape. He starts walking again, and his friends walk with him, slightly behind him but still by his side, like they’ve always been.

They head straight to the palace, and people stare and speak in hushed whispers as they see him, their eyes glued to the body he carries. Loki is covered by Thor’s cape, but they still know who it is. Thor walks past, his eyes looking straight ahead. He ignores all of them. He doesn’t want to see how they smile behind his back.

Odin sits on his throne as Thor walks in alone, his friends left behind the doors. Huginn and Muninn sit on Odin’s shoulders as he watches Thor, who stops before the throne and then gently puts Loki down, smoothing the cape so it covers his face.

His father does nothing for a moment, his eye fixed on the body and his face blank. Then he stands up and descends the steps.

”So it is true what my ravens told me”, he says. ”Loki is dead.”

He kneels down and moves the cape slightly, revealing Loki’s face. His pale skin, his closed eyes and the dark circles around them, his blue lips. He looks so dead and cold, and Thor has to turn his head away because he can’t bear the sight anymore.

Odin looks at Loki for a while, but his face betrays no emotion. ”How did he die?”

”He saved me”, Thor tells him, not saying anything else. It doesn’t matter how, all that matters is why. He wants his father to understand that Loki could have left him to die, could have simply walked away, but he didn’t. He saved Thor and died instead, and that’s how Thor knows that no matter how much Loki claimed to hate him, he loved him more. He can hear his brother’s last words in his head, saying that he was so sorry.

Odin lifts the cape so it covers Loki again. Then he stands up and sighs, looking weary. He doesn’t meet Thor’s eyes. ”You let him out of his cell”, he says, his voice stiff. ”You disobeyed my direct orders.”

”I had to do that because you didn’t listen to me when I said we needed to face Malekith immediately, not wait for him”, Thor answers, and he feels his fury rising. If Odin had listened to him, he wouldn’t have needed Loki’s help. His brother wouldn’t be lying dead on the floor now.

”He was a convicted criminal”, Odin continues as if Thor’s words are nothing but air. ”It was not your place to decide what to do with him.”

”Loki is dead!” Thor roars suddenly, his words ringing in the empty throne room. He feels so angry, his chest heaving and his hand tight around Mjölnir. He thinks of Loki, of his clever words and sharp smiles, of his burning anger and the sorrow in his eyes.

”Do you truly care so little?” Thor asks, his voice now a whisper. His eyes sting and his hands shake. ”Did you love him at all?”

Odin turns sharply, anger appearing on his face, the first emotion Thor sees him display. ”He was my son!” he shouts back, and Thor startles. ”Don’t you dare say that I didn’t love him!”

”Then why did you throw him into a cell for the rest of his life? Why didn’t you let mother visit him? You claim to love him, but still you shackled him like a common criminal and threw him away!”

The words pour out of Thor’s mouth, and he can’t stop them, nor does he want to. He remembers what Loki said years ago, that he wanted to prove that he was a worthy son. He didn’t understand what it meant then, but now he does. Loki always hungered for Odin’s approval, for his love, but nothing he did seemed to be enough. Thor remembers his father saying ”No, Loki” and Loki letting go, and he can’t stop himself from hating his father for that.

”I did what I had to, for the good of Asgard. Loki was beyond our help, his heart poisoned with hate and rage that could not be removed”, is all Odin says, but it’s not enough for Thor.

”You didn’t try!” he accuses, gaining sick pleasure when he sees Odin flinch. ”You would have executed him had mother not begged for you to give mercy, you would have killed your own son!”

Thor feels wetness on his cheeks and tastes salt, and he realises he’s crying again. He doesn’t raise his hand to wipe the tears away.

”You didn’t let him even say goodbye to mother”, he says, too tired to shout anymore. Too tired to be even angry. He feels only empty now.

”I loved your brother, Thor”, Odin says quietly and glances at Loki’s body, looking so old. ”I saved him from the cold wastelands of Jotunheim, raised him as my own and mourned him when he fell. I watched as he tried to conquer Midgard and punished him rightly for it, but I loved him despite his crimes. Don’t assume that I didn’t.”

He turns away from Thor and rises the steps to the throne, leaning heavily on Gungnir. ”Leave me be, Thor”, he says without looking back. ”I have a wife and a son to mourn.”

Thor gathers Loki in his arms and walks away.

* * *

 

The sun is setting in the sky as Thor prepares his brother for his funeral. He does everything by himself, not letting the servants even come near Loki. He takes off the battered armor piece by piece and replaces it with garments made of finest silk, green and gold, befitting for a prince. Despite his mistakes, Loki was still a prince of the realm, a son of Odin, and Thor will not let him sail to Valhalla looking like nothing less than he was.

He takes a wet cloth and wipes Loki’s face with it, removing all traces of dirt and blood from his face. He touches his brother’s cheek with his thumb and lets his touch linger. Had he been alive, Loki would surely have objected to such acts of affection, but he isn’t, and so Thor is free to touch him and memorise his face for this is the last day he will ever see him.

Loki’s hair is disheveled, and Thor untangles it gently, careful not to pull it too hard. He plaits small braids into it and decorates them with gold and gems, the signs of a warrior. Loki never cared about swords and battle, he always preferred to sit in their mother’s garden and read books, but he was still a warrior, capable of bringing down even the most formidable enemies with his knives and magic and barbed words. Thor remembers mocking Loki for the way he fought, and he feels ashamed, even though it does little good now.

He takes Loki to the shore where the sun has almost set, painting Asgard with its multiple colours and shining on the golden towers. High above the sky has already begun to darken, and Thor can see some of the stars there, bright and clear against the dark blue. He wonders which one of them is his mother.

There is a boat waiting for him on the shore, and his friends stand beside it. They nod to him as he approaches and step aside. Thor knows they are there only for his sake, not for Loki’s, but he appreciates the gesture nonetheless. He’s not sure he can do this alone. Odin isn’t there, but he can see Muninn soaring in the sky and he knows that his father is watching.

Thor lowers Loki onto the boat, and under him is one of his green capes. Thor had gone to Loki’s room, which had been locked since he had fallen, everything untouched and covered with dust. Frigga had forbidden the servants from entering Loki’s room and cleaning it, her grief so strong that she had went there in the nights. Thor was the only one who knew because he had seen her one night, crying on Loki’s bed and holding his toy horse, the one Loki had dragged everywhere when he had been a child. Thor never mentioned seeing her, not wanting his mother to know that he had been doing the same, going to Loki’s room to mourn.

He brings Loki’s hands together and places them on his chest, over his heart. Then he starts to fill the boat with Loki’s possessions, the ones he had taken from his brother’s room. There are not many of them, only the most important ones. Few of his magic books, covers worn out and pages marked with Loki’s flourish writing. His throwing knives, made by dwarfs and gifted by Thor.

Thor hesitates for a moment before he pulls out one of Frigga’s tapestries. It portrays him and Loki, looking so young and laughing, their hands clasped together. He drapes it over Loki, covering him up to his chest.

He doesn’t put anything else to the boat. Traditionally gold and treasures are part of the funeral rites for royalty, but Thor thinks Loki would laugh at the unnecessity of it were he to do that. So he leaves the boat almost empty, only filled with things he thinks Loki would want with him.

When he is done, he bends down and places a final kiss on his brother’s brow, cupping his face. Then he pushes the boat forward and watches as the water takes it.

It is only now that he understands that this is when he must truly let Loki go.

He remembers the little boy he used to share his bed with, legs and hands tangled together until they grew too big for it. He remembers how Loki spent countless hours studying in the library, how he had to drag his brother to bed before he collapsed from exhaustion. He remembers how Loki smiled and laughed and talked his way out of everything, his words silver and magic. He remembers how they fought side by side, protecting each other. He remembers when it all crumbled.

There is no changing the past, and Thor knows he must not dwell on it. He must not think of what could have been. All that matters is that Loki was his brother. Not by blood, but by bonds even stronger than that.

He picks up the bow from the ground and nocks the arrow. He’s never been one for archery, always preferring the thrill of close-range battle, but he knows he will not miss. He lights the tip of the arrow and releases it.

It flies across the air and hits the boat, setting it immediately on fire. Thor watches as the flames crackle and dance around his brother, and he feels the same he did during his mother’s funeral, so lost.

Loki always told him what to say or do, and now that he isn’t by Thor’s side anymore, Thor doesn’t know what he is without his brother.

He could never stop loving Loki, not even when he tried to kill him. He took every hurtful world Loki spat in his face, every blow he delivered and kept loving him still. Everyone said he was a fool for not seeing that Loki didn’t love him, for not understanding that there was no going back to what they once were. He should let Loki go, they said, should know better than to love him after all he did. But no matter what, Thor kept hoping and loving.

It would be easier, he thinks, if he could hate Loki. He wouldn’t be filled with sorrow, wouldn’t be standing on the shore and watching as his brother sails away. He wouldn’t feel so alone.

He watches as his brother’s soul leaves his body. It’s bright and beautiful, and he wishes he could hold it in his hand and keep it forever safe. It rises high above where the stars are, to the realm of the dead. Valhalla is a glorious place, it is said, and Loki will not be alone there. Their mother will be there with him, and Thor knows that it was always Frigga who Loki loved the most.

Loki takes his place in the night sky, and Thor knows that it is time to say goodbye.

”Farewell, brother”, he whispers, quiet enough that no one else hears. He hopes that Loki will be finally free of his torments, that he will let go of his hatred and know peace. He hopes that Loki will be happy again.

Thor casts a last glance to the stars, and although he mourns, his heart is calm. He knows that his brother is now where he belongs.


End file.
